I am acutely aware of how much charisma I lack. I have this desire to make things that others will like, but no matter what I make, it never appeals. Even if I’m good at the thing, people still don’t get enthusiastic about it. There is this essential element, that a friend just told me, is charisma, and I don’t have it. It’s frustrating.
History Today – January 12, 2021
This History Today series aims to document what life is like in this period of history. I update whenever I feel like it.
Aspects of daily life:
- Last week on Wednesday January 6, 2021, protestors from a Trump rally in Washington DC made their way from the rally to the Capitol building where Congress and VP Mike Pence were finalizing the election results from November’s election of Joe Biden / Kamala Harris to President / VP. At the rally, Trump encouraged the people to march on the Capitol to give the Republicans “the kind of pride and boldness that they need to take back our country,” according to the Aljazeera transcript.
- The protestors went past the sparsely manned barricades and broke into the Capitol building. In the videos I saw, there seemed to be very little police. At least at first.
- The media that I watch (I’ll admit that it’s mostly CNBC, maybe some FOX, and CNN) has been calling it an insurrection, the Capitol riots, the siege on the Capitol, and storming the Capitol.
- That I know, one police officer is dead (from being hit with a fire extinguisher), and so is one protestor (from a gun shot). I think there are more deaths, but I don’t know details.
- The politicians inside did not get harmed and were removed before the rioters got to the main room.
- Rioters got into some of the offices, like Pelosi’s. They did seem to hide their faces much. There was some vandalism.
- Trump tweeted that his followers should go home and be peaceful after a few hours, and then he made a video with the same message.
- I believe the National Guard was sent in hours later, along with SWAT and other police, but I don’t know details about this. Washington DC had a curfew early that day. It took a long time for them to get control of the situation.
- After the Capitol was secured, Trump tweeted more and he was banned from Twitter by Twitter.
- It’s days later, and I hear reports of the people getting arrested and charged if they brought a gun or perpetrated anything illegal.
- As someone who was working at home on the other side of the country while this was happening, it was shocking. And at first, I didn’t understand the implications. This was not just a riot. They literally tried to stop democracy from happening, because they think they’re right. The funny thing about thinking you’re right is that everyone thinks they are right. A large portion are not entirely right, ever. Is there even such a thing as right? I don’t know. But I do know what actions they took, and I do think I agree with calling it an insurrection.
- The difference between the Capitol riots and the BLM riots is where they took their violence. BLM did not try to invade government buildings, especially the buildings that represent the democracy of this country, while the election was being finalized inside. I don’t have all the facts, so maybe I’ve got something wrong. The insurrection was against the literal people that run the country, while they were inside. That is fundamentally different from protesting in the streets. That is not free speech, that is assault, that is coercion.
- Even Mike Pence did not try to overturn the results, even though Trump asked him to. Mike Pence posted his letter explaining why he did not to his Twitter on that Wednesday. He didn’t think it was his right as VP to overturn results though he said he would hear objections. Later he tweeted against the protestors, calling it an attack.
- I’m just floored. Absolutely floored that this happened, and that some congresspeople were trying to overturn the election, stating fraud in the election, while the local governments ensured that there was none. If there was fraud, it would’ve been found. There can’t be a conspiracy this big, but somehow some Republicans and the President insist there is. This feels so much like what a dictator would say. Insisting to his loyal followers that he was wronged. And then they go and intimidate lawmakers to try to have them do what they want. And what would have happened if they had gotten their hands on the politicians? I think there would have been more death. What if they had succeeded and made Trump President again? Would there be any recourse? I do think that if Trump asked his supporters to have a civil war, there would be one. Will he do that?
- Even though I didn’t want Trump to be President again, I didn’t think he was this dangerous, that he would do this. I know I’m naive. I know other people said he would do something like this. But I guess I had too much faith in the collective rationality of the masses and the government.
- It makes me wonder if our country is too big to stay together. California is huge on its own. I hope if a civil war break out, California just peacefully breaks off and we drop that mess. Which is so weird to even want, considering I grew up with this love of the US. But goodness, I don’t think I could manage through a civil war. That terrifies the hell out of me. Of course, a Trump-run government is also equally terrifying now. They don’t want “justice for all.”
The Nature of Reality
With all that going on in politics right now (the 2020 presidential elections being contested by Trump and the coronavirus spiking), I’ve been thinking a lot about what is truth, what is lies, and what in reality is absolute. Mostly, nothing is absolute. Maybe the physical laws of the universe are absolute, but only in this universe. Pretty much everything else is relative, even morality. I like to think that some things are just bad and others are just good. One of the most wrong things I can think of is murder. Killing is wrong to me, but I eat meat, eat plants, take antibiotics, and wash my hands. All these actions result in the death of another living thing, but I still do them. Is killing a plant evil? In my day to day life, I wouldn’t say so. In fact, plants live with adaptations specifically to lessen or take advantage of herbivory. I might refine my statement to be: killing humans is wrong. But I can think of instances in which it could be justifiably right, self-defense springs to mind.
This idea of self-defense launches a whole new quandary for me. How immediate does the threat to life have to be? Can we define the exact moment which divides right from wrong? Is killing a killer right? What if you got the identity of the killer wrong? What about war? What if the killer thinks they were justified in their action?
Of course, I think we all have a moral code that we could apply in these instances to decide rightness and wrongness. But without a doubt, the verdicts would not be unanimous. This lack of consensus points to the lack of absolutism in morality. I think this extends to reality as well. Because even reality is a matter of opinion. Is the sky blue? Or is it clear? Some people say my eyes are hazel, others say brown. This makes me think that reality is what we make or perceive of it. The self-determination of reality is the most absolute concept I can think of, besides maybe the physical laws of the universe.
This idea of self-determination is at once magic and disaster. Magic, because we have the power to define reality for ourselves. Disaster, because we must also live with everyone else’s reality. This coexistence of reality is probably one of the most difficult to achieve. It requires compassion, humility, flexibility, and conviction.
Take for example, Trump’s insistence that he won the election. The way I perceive it, he did not win, but many, many Americans do believe he won. If enough of us believed he did, we could make it the culturally dominant reality.
More than seventy million people voted for him, those people see reality differently than the people who voted for Biden or one of the other candidates. Without a doubt in my mind, every single Trump voter thought Trump was somehow better for the country or themselves in some way. Even though my reality doesn’t align with theirs, it doesn’t necessarily make my reality the “right” one.
Now, this doesn’t mean that I think reality is so fluid that it becomes too fragmented and meaningless. I just think we, as humans, should work toward shared reality. Vitriolic rejection of another reality doesn’t always make it go away, and in fact, it can give the reality more concreteness, more justification.
Trump has planted the seed of reality where the election was rigged against him. As news media fact-check him and state that there is no evidence, some people will become more assured that the fraud is being covered up. Since distrust of new media is a fairly common reality, some other means of dispelling these fraud claims will be necessary. Perhaps in court. I don’t know. I don’t understand the other realities well enough to say
Divisive rhetoric about other people’s realities only serves to drive humanity away from a mutually acceptable shared reality. That’s why I think definitions are so important. We need to define reality with some level of standardization so that we can all exist here. Some people will insist on their definition, but ultimately, reality is democratic.
This concept of reality as a democracy gives me hope. The magicians of humanity, those whose realities differ sharply, will serve to push and pull the shared reality. I think we’ll be pulled in the “right” direction in the aggregate. Certainly there will be zig zags on this path, but I also believe humanity is well-intentioned mostly, and since reality is self-determined, we’re likely to move in, what I would define as, the right direction. I’m a participant in this democratic reality, so of course I would push us towards what I believe to be right. Just like everyone else will too. Think of the force of that kind of movement!
History Today – November 10, 2020
This History Today series aims to document what life is like in this period of history. I update whenever I feel like it.
Aspects of daily life:
- It’s been a week since the election. The Associated Press has called the election for Joe Biden as the President-Elect. But the votes have not been certified yet. There’s about 76 million votes for Biden and 71 million for Trump, both of those are records.
- There’s a lot of talk about voter/election fraud, mostly from the Republican party. Trump has declared himself the winner. His Twitter is full of links to articles about instances of fraud and declarations that he actually won. It seems to me to be inconsistent with American ideals about free elections. I think they should double-check (which the certifying process does), but he shouldn’t insist there’s fraud just because he lost.
- The proof that has been cited by Trump and right wing media don’t hold up. I found two clips of poll workers filling in ballots, but these instances have been explained as duplicating ballots that are ruined by counting machines (which are marked as duplicates and not double counted).
- News about a vaccine showing promising results for a trial done by Pfizer (90% effectiveness). I hope it’s good. Trump had awarded a contract to Pfizer for $1.9 billion to get 100 million doses by December. If the quickness of this vaccine is because of the contract from Trump, he should be recognized for that. However, I don’t think it erases things he has said and done (or not done).
- I’m overwhelmed by my school and am tired everyday. I shouldn’t do so much school, but I have such a drive to overachieve that I can hardly like myself when I’m not working at 100% (meaning no relaxation).
- I want quarantine to end. So bad.
History Today – October 20, 2020
This History Today series aims to document what life is like in this period of history. I update whenever I feel like it.
Aspects of daily life:
- The 2020 election day is in two weeks. I’m voting by mail. I have not sent in my ballot yet.
- Misinformation seems to be a dominant force in media. I have whiplash, trying to keep track of it.
- Did Hunter Biden, Joe Biden’s son, actually leave his laptop with a computer repair shop in Delaware? Are there really emails on it that implicate Joe Biden and his son in a foreign plot to influence the election? Rudy Giuliani was the one to receive the laptop from the repairman. But the story seems like it might be a fabrication. The Associated Press article I read about it points out Giuliani’s connections to a Russian official/agent.
- Are the detention centers that hold people who crossed the US-Mexico border actually concentration camps? I skimmed this AP article and it seems like the conditions are horrendous for children in one facility. This is from 2019.
- I’ve been trying to listen/watch/read lots of news with this election approaching. The least biased news agency seems to be the Associated Press, because their articles don’t have super obvious opinions. FOX, CNN, MSNBC, The Young Turks, and other sources I have looked up are highly opinionated. The NPR Politics Podcast also seems to be fairly fair, from what I can see. They don’t bash politicians. They give the implications of the news they report, but their tone doesn’t seem to be that they are passing judgement.
- Trump is pulling the US out of the WHO (World Health Organization). He says that it is poorly run. While I have never actually researched the WHO, it has always had a place of esteem in my mind, probably because of the way people talk about it. It worries me that in July of 2021, our pull-out will be official. It feels like the adult version of I’m-taking-my-ball-and-going-home. I heard an explanation (I can’t remember where I heard this) of why China pays less than the US for the WHO funding, and it’s because Reagan put a hold on increases of WHO funding requirements. Apparently, the US voluntarily contributes more to make up for increased costs over the years, but Trump doesn’t think that’s fair. While it might not be fair, I just wonder what the point of just leaving is. Abandoning the organization seems to stall progress on all fronts.
- I live in YOLO county, and I have been inundated with voting material for Jim Provenza and Linda Deos. It’s for a position on the county supervisor council, I believe. I know who I think I’m voting for.
- I probably won’t be a straight-down-the-ticket Democrat. I don’t think I ever have been. I consider myself to be moderate, but recent years have turned me more liberal as I understand the world better.
- I have 7 weeks until I finish my Masters Degree. I think I’ve changed my mind so much since I started it last year that I might never take a job in the field. But once I had already finished half of the degree, I couldn’t just not finish.
- My post bacc is chugging along. It’s in botany. I love it. I finally understand what people are talking about when they discuss the imperative for greenifying our energy and industry.
- As I take college level science classes for the first time, I realize how lacking my education was the first time around. Maybe it’s because I’m more mature now. Maybe it’s because I only focused on business in my first undergrad. But the world is so complex; it requires nuance and compassion. Science is so much more important than I ever realized. Growing up, I thought we already knew everything that there was to know. Now, I know that we’re just coming out of our infancy as an intelligent species.
History Today – June 2, 2020
This History Today series aims to document what life is like in this period of history. I update whenever I feel like it.
Aspects of daily life:
- George Floyd, a Black man, was murdered by a police officer on Memorial Day, while three other officers watched. He kneeled on George Floyd’s neck for between 8 and 9 minutes. There’s a video going around. I didn’t watch it through.
- There have been protests and riots as a result, all over the country. None in my town, but there are in the nearest big city. I haven’t gone. I’m too scared. I have a lifelong fear of police officers, I don’t want to be injured, and I don’t want to bring back COVID-19 to my family. Mostly, it’s fear though. I feel really bad about it. I guess that’s kind of the point though. Even though I’m afraid of the police, I’ve never been targeted by them.
- I donated to https://blacklivesmatter.com/. I’ve never donated to anything like this. I didn’t donate during the primaries, when I felt strongly about who I wanted to be the democratic candidate. I never donated to any LGBT organization, even though I’m gay. I’m surprised by this. But my reaction to the George Floyd’s murder has been visceral, and I had to do something, small as it is.
- I’ve been getting my news from the CBS News live broadcast app, Instagram, and LAist.com (I’m checking on Los Angeles because my family lives there). I can’t remember if CBS is considered liberal or conservative.
- Opinions seem to be unanimous, at least in my sphere, that the protests should continue and that they are on the right track. However, some people want the violent parts of the riots to stop, saying the protesters shouldn’t destroy businesses or hurt people. Others say that the protesters are not starting the violence, the police are. Others say that the protesters
- Murders of Black people by police (and vigilantes) have happened before. I don’t know why I feel so strongly this time. It’s always been easy to think nothing would change and so any energy I expended was a waste. Maybe my active interest in politics in the last two years coupled with the drastic change in my way of life because of COVID-19 has changed my mind. This feels big and possible. Change can happen. While I hope folks stop getting hurt by the police, I see so much value in them being there, and I hope they continue while taking care of their safety.
- I feel like a coward. I should, I am. I’m scared even to make this post. But I gotta hit “Publish,” since I’ve written most of it.
- If anyone reads this, educate yourself and hopefully donate or protest or sign petitions.
- https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/
- Watch 13th on Netflix if you have a subscription. It helps put everything into perspective and is really well-made.
- Places where protests are happening have curfews. Some as early as 2pm in Los Angeles, I think. I don’t think this is the right move by the government. It feels like they want to quell the protests.
History Today – May 6, 2020
This History Today series aims to document what life is like in this period of history. I update whenever I feel like it.
Aspects of daily life:
- COVID-19, the global pandemic that started in a wet market in December 2019, has taken over our lives. I only leave the house for groceries. I’m luckier than a lot of people, I was already working from home, and my hours have only been cut a little.
- I’m not suffering from depression even during this quarantine. I have a cocktail of meds that seem to be working. Maybe that’s why I often don’t write anymore, maybe writing was a way to get away from the pain.
- President Trump didn’t seem to take COVID-19 seriously at first, but I believe he has now. I’ve heard that some social isolation restrictions are being loosened as of this week. I’m not sure of what they are. I am still staying home until I hear more.
- Someone I know is getting cloth masks made. I ordered one. It’s mostly so I have something softer and reusable. The masks that my dad sent me at the start of this have not run out (it was a box of thirty). He was one of the people that started panic-buying supplies. But he’s also the reason why I’ve had masks at all. Also, even though the cloth mask is for safety, there is an element of fashion to it for me. I want to belong to the “cool” group who wear reusable masks.
- California was one of the first places to shut down. I don’t know anyone who is not taking it seriously.
- Former Vice President Joe Biden is likely the nominee for the Democratic presidential ticket to run against President Trump in the 2020 presidential election. I don’t think he has chosen a VP to run alongside him, but he promised in one of his last debates that I saw that it would be a woman. I hope he keeps that promise. I’m excited to see who it could be. I have opinions about Biden, but I am more resolute in my political leanings than ever and am likely to vote for him. He’s been accused of sexually assaulting a woman in 1993, which he denies. I’m curious about whether it’s true or not, because I would feel emotionally conflicted about voting for him if he did that. Trump has had a plethora of similar accusations lobbed at him, which he also denies. I don’t know if they were proved true, but his reputation has certainly soured my opinion of him. I should probably research further. Truth is important to me. I don’t know who I would vote for if I decided I couldn’t vote for Biden.
- I think I spend too much time mindlessly consuming social media feeds. I’m in school now for a master’s degree and a postbacc (because I’m a bit aggressive with my goals), and I want to research more about the topics that interest me, instead of looking at pretty pictures on Instagram. I want to produce content more than I want to consume it. And when I consume it, I want it either to have a great story, lesson, or knowledge. Why do I consume such low quality content? I don’t know. So I’ve decided to sign out of accounts where I mostly consume and don’t post. I will still be on YouTube a lot, consuming, and entertainment subscriptions (like Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Hulu), but I will try to be more mindful about what I choose to watch. Watching videos is much more active for me than scrolling my feeds.
- I’ve been thinking a lot more about personal improvement lately. I’m guessing because I have so much time at home now.
- No one I know personally has gotten sick from COVID-19. I do know people who are at increased risk, but they are being careful.
- I got into TikTok this past year, and I have had to stop opening the app, because it is too addicting to me.
The Art of the Chapbook
Having finished my second chapbook not well, which delved into the topic of mental health, I’m eager to start the next chapbook. But this one I want to write more intentionally. I want to write the poems together. I want to know the theme before I write. I want it to be hopeful.
you think I’m serious, but I’m joking was serious and nihilist, so is not well — which I sent out to competitions recently. While those are the chapbooks that I needed to write at the time, my personal happiness is much better now, and I feel the need to let everyone know that it’ll be okay, if they hang on long enough.
As I anticipate crafting this collection, I find myself stumped on where to start. Before I just wrote poem after poem until enough of them would form something cohesive. I actually love putting together poems I wrote a while ago; there’s a distance that allows me to evaluate them rationally. But I worry that if I use this method again, I will wind up with a nihilist collection of poems again. Maybe that is all I am? I just don’t want to be that. I want my poetry to evolve. I want a full garden of blooming metaphors and winding thoughts.
Maybe I should resolve the first two chapbooks? Wrap them up with the ending I’m ready to give them?
This is hard. I hope to resolve it soon, because I’m aching to write it.
Principles for Determining Correctness
Throughout my life, I’ve been someone who is fairly easy to convince. That is to say that I’m not particularly set in my views. One might call that gullible and naive, but I think it’s a strength.
Lately, I’ve been listening to and watching and reading political arguments, and honestly I have to say that a lot of people with opposing viewpoints do have somewhat logical arguments, if one believes in their core principles. And I’ve seen varying core principles. Some people think that personal freedom is the most important. Others believe it’s safety, justice, truth, logic, etc.
Thinking about this I realized that if I want to be more resolute in my beliefs, I need to be absolutely sure of my core, or guiding, principles.
The first three things that came to mind were: freedom, truth and kindness. I’ll admit kindness was the last on my mind though, so I imagine my hierarchy puts freedom and truth higher than kindness.
Mostly there are two types of freedom: freedom to and freedom from. Freedom to do the things you want to do. Freedom from the bad things. Honestly, I have to say, freedom to is more important to me. Though I’d like to be free of bad things: disease, poverty, etc.
Freedom also has many connotations. When I was a little girl, I thought freedom meant total freedom, an anarchy; when someone would say “It’s a free country,” I would respond with “Well, I’m not free to kill you, so it’s not really.” I was maybe a bit of a smartass. I’ve matured. Freedom, here in the context of this writing, is about personal freedom as long as it doesn’t encroach on the personal freedom of others. So, under this idea of freedom, no thought is unallowed. Anyone can think anything they want, even if it’s stupid or hateful or wrong. If it stays in their mind, it’s 100% okay, regardless of what it is. Under my premise, conveyance of thought, like in speech or writing or maybe even in art, is slightly less “free.” The reason for this is that speech and writing can encroach on the personal freedoms of others, especially concerning libel, slander, and shouting “fire” in a crowded theater.
So freedom to say the things I want to say is the next level of freedom. It’s a bit more restricted than thought. In the case of libel and slander as above, I can’t knowingly smear someone’s name with falsehood — truth comes into it now!
The last freedom is action. This is the most restricted. There are many things I can’t do. It is for the protection of other people, myself and society. I understand why action isn’t completely free, and I’m glad it isn’t. What a scary world it would be to live in.
When I think about truth, it’s more important than tact, for me. But that’s a personal line. Kindness is last, because it’s less important than freedom or truth. It is still vital though. Kindness and truth are a gentle interplay. They are almost complementary in that to be truly kind, you must be truthful.
I’m not entirely sure what all this adds up to, but I’m pretty sure of my stance on these three principles.
History Today – April 19, 2019
This History Today series aims to document what life is like in this period of history. I update whenever I feel like it.
Aspects of daily life:
- The Mueller Report came out today. I heard about it on the NPR podcast “Up First.” It was about investigating the allegations of President Trump colluding with the Russians to influence the 2016 election. Apparently Trump views it as an exoneration, but the podcasters didn’t make it seem like that. I don’t think I’m going to read the Mueller Report, but maybe I will, so I can finally understand a little about politics. I did a little research while writing this paragraph, and what other people are focusing on is that the Obama administration knew about Russia during the 2016 election.
- I just realized that Trump has been President for two-ish years now. My life hasn’t personally changed that much because of him. I haven’t noticed any real change in my taxes, except that I’m getting a smaller refund than usual, but I believe my withholding has been slightly lower throughout the year.
- The Yellow Jacket movement in France is still going since December 2018, but I hadn’t even heard of it until a few days ago (not that this means much, since I don’t always pay attention). I did a small amount of research about it, and it seems to be anti-Macron (their young entrepreneur president) and the “globalism” that he represents (a term I had never heard used with contempt). The movement burst into fruition in December because Macron instituted gas taxes to help encourage the move toward renewable energy. It mostly affected rural people who have to use cars more. People have described it as a tax on the poor. The movement seems to have some anti-immigrant roots (again the anti-globalism). I saw internet chatter mostly in comments on YouTube videos about the movement.
- Spring is absolutely beautiful in Northern California. It’s my first spring here from LA, and I’m now reconsidering my previous distaste of the season, which in LA was mostly an extension of summer.
- I ordered the Nixit menstrual cup online today for $49.00 plus ~$6 shipping. I’m trying it partially for a more environmentalism friendly life and partially because I hate having to use tampons so much. Thinking back the the Yellow jackets in France, it’s a luxury to even be able to put my dollars toward more environmental solutions.
- A friend of mine spent the winter in Europe, including Paris, but she never mentioned the protests.
- Even though the internet makes information so readily available, it has such a tunnel-vision aspect to it that I could be on it all the time and not know almost anything of current events.
- I’ve been rollerskating a lot lately, fell down a lot and finally bought some safety gear. I have not fallen since. In my town, we can rollerskate on the sidewalk legally, so that’s why I’m doing this instead of bicycling.
- I’m trying the minimalist thing for my wardrobe. I like it so far!