History Today – June 20, 2018

This History Today series aims to document what life is like in this period of history. I update whenever I feel like it.

Aspects of daily life:

  • I daydreamed about coming into a windfall. I’m middle class, but money still feels so elusive.
  • Because of the Trump Administration’s zero tolerance policy in relation to illegal immigration, there are children separated from their asylum-seeking parents who illegally crossed the border and immediately turn themselves into border patrol. A lot of people that I’m friends with on Facebook are donating to help — though I’m not sure who to — and posting about it in outrage. Apparently, the outrage is working. This is being compared to concentration camps and fascism. I see posts about who to call/email and annoy. It’s amazing to see so many actually doing things. Public pressure will accomplish things, if enough people are taking action.
  • I’ve been watching ASMR videos on YouTube. It doesn’t put me to sleep, but I get the tingles.
  • I visited a Sanrio store, and it reminded me of childhood. Gudetama — a depressed egg cartoon who has given up — is my favorite. Apparently, I’m not the only one who revels in the nihilism. I think that says something about the culture of today.
  • I recently spoke with a family member who expressed incredulity that I’m depressed but also not “seriously” doing anything about it. I’m actually doing a lot about it. Maybe I’m too relaxed about it. I couldn’t survive though if I didn’t laugh about it and downplay it. Maybe that’s folly. I don’t know. But it’s similar to the culture on Tumblr. I am an amalgamation of the social media platforms that I regularly frequent.

I’ve been thinking a lot about fixing problems. And I’ve come to the conclusion that solutions are different for everyone. There is no right answer.

Being hung up on trying to do something the “right” way might not be right way for every single person.

Poem #765

my brother grins sheepishly
he’s 28, I’m 25
I work inside the building
while he paints it
I wonder if he stopped teasing me,
because I’m in here
or because he’s out there

Poem #764 – worm

I built a fort in the closet,
padded the shelf with two layers of blankets
and laid my body out
I read books until the sun set
and the closet light made my eyes hurt
I flipped through children’s encyclopedias
learning about spiders and elephants
I hid in there
secretly reading comic books
so my family didn’t know I was childish
I grew up in that closet

Poem #763 – wishing for more wishes

my brother set up a system of wishes
10,000 wishes for doing his homework
80,000 wishes for doing the dishes
100,000 wishes for not telling Mommy he was being mean
2 million wishes for getting his food from the microwave
I don’t know where he got his wishes
but I had five
I never could figure out how to spend them

Poem #762

I live to see your arms in fishnet sleeves
your shoulders peeking through spaghetti strap tank tops
your hair in various stages of decoration

I live for the mole surrounded by the flowers on your leg
your freckles spotting your face
your lips in a sultry pout

most of all though, I live for the calm of your voice
your patience seeping through every bit of you
your humor in a stolen moment

Poem #761

Sunday,
rich kids play cards at midnight at the local boba shop
I take my boba and go home
slurping loudly to get every last ball
no, my darling, you cannot sleep
until I finish my drink.
lightheaded and frustrated,
I choke on boba
what is this life?

Poem #759

the little sapling has hopes
she grows and grows and grows

before she knows it,
that little sapling,
she’s holding the whole world up
the stars drape over her
a glittering big top

a company of performers underneath
dancing and flipping and belting out

before she knows it,
that company of performers,
they’ve taken down the star canvas
they’ve got another world to entertain
but she remains

a big, strong tree without stars to hold up
waiting and crying and waiting

Poem #758 – sleep & grow

sleep
dreaming of arcades and big wins
pushing away those warm nightmare arms

grow
stretching out and up
a warm skyscraper made of bone and skin

devastate
winning problems and aches
splinters of bone crashing to the ground

exist
pretending to be mostly okay
creating my beige bone picket fence