the gardener pulled back the shower curtain
neatly trimmed beard and dirt-caked hands
stared at me under the water then
“get rid of the deadweight,” said the man
but I cannot comply with the demand
a pair of pruners from his waistband
dull metal pushes on the index of my right hand
scream but there is no waking again

let the wild tree be
unpruned for all to see
let the green branches be
naive and put out many leaves
let the bright blossoms be
free to grow fruits heavy
let the wild tree be
eager to live honestly

silk-clad legs slide past each other
no one is awake
just me
in the whole world
I am vivacious
mirror eye contact
hands flail
the smell of roses
the moment is sharp
maybe I can bring me
into the daylight

simmer down
this is adult life
lay on the rug
with a cat and a friend
see hardwood floor
smell flowers
hear a crooner
taste pumpkin spice
feel the textured carpet
calm euphoria

frantic cackling
we are women
race around the room
we will win
burst out of pre-engineered seams
we are alive
traipse on the roof’s ridge
we will dominate

loud voices
happy eyes
hyper hands
all or nothing
no subtlety

tip toe through the state
a beautiful sky
good conversation
mildly weird
oddly normal
nice time
introspection
and complete

I say these things
so they don’t stay inside
and fester and kill me

“what’s my name?”
I ask to re-establish
I’m a real person