when she gave me the ring,
I squealed for several long minutes
before turning to her and saying seriously:
“you know, I won’t give you my organs
I won’t ever give you my organs
maybe a bit of my liver
if that doesn’t hurt me
but that’s it
I’m sorry”
she smiled and said:
“well, I’m glad you liked the ring”
what fills the orange barrels on the side of the road?
sand, water, gasoline
“let’s hit it and find out”
when they initiated the launch sequence,
I couldn’t move
the metal scaffolding caged me
I spat out steam
when my body contained enough rage,
it rattled the cage.
I left the ground behind,
burned away all the excess fuel
and dropped the external tanks
I made it to space
much lighter than when I started
but the core of me withstood the journey
the cold creeps into my happiest moments
everything is going right
I’m doing everything right
but I’m still sinking deeper into the water
I wish I was a man
with his shirt unbuttoned
and his breath stinking of beer
swaggering down the street
without a friend
but without an enemy
I don’t want to come home
you’re busy
I’m fragile
I swim far out into the ocean
farther than my arms should take me
the waves are pushing me violently
but I wait, cold and sad,
for the giant squid to wrap me in her tentacles,
pull me down into the heavy, dark water.
the pressure will be a relief
as my skull cracks, I’ll leak out
free to float in the abyss
shapeless
my brother grins sheepishly
he’s 28, I’m 25
I work inside the building
while he paints it
I wonder if he stopped teasing me,
because I’m in here
or because he’s out there
I built a fort in the closet,
padded the shelf with two layers of blankets
and laid my body out
I read books until the sun set
and the closet light made my eyes hurt
I flipped through children’s encyclopedias
learning about spiders and elephants
I hid in there
secretly reading comic books
so my family didn’t know I was childish
I grew up in that closet
my brother set up a system of wishes
10,000 wishes for doing his homework
80,000 wishes for doing the dishes
100,000 wishes for not telling Mommy he was being mean
2 million wishes for getting his food from the microwave
I don’t know where he got his wishes
but I had five
I never could figure out how to spend them
